No filters, crazy honest, crazy fun

So because I am so awesome at forgetting passwords and what not I wasn’t able to log into this blog until now. So here I am back at it in action. The blog is going to take a turn for a while because it is going to be my new vice. You know, quit smoking…..pick up something new LOL.

It’s been a really rough few months for me. I know a lot of you don’t know this, but I suffer from Bipolar and Anxiety disorder. I am medicated thank god, but just because you are on medication doesn’t always mean you are going to be in tip top shape. And lord knows I haven’t been.

December 5. Probably one of the worst days of my life. My poppop (grandpa) passed away at home of natural causes. We were very close and I loved him dearly. Losing him was like losing my own father. A couple of weeks after he passed away my mom, sister, and I went to Ohio to visit my nana and make sure she was holding up ok. Of course she was because lord knows she is the toughest old bird I have ever met in my life. I like to think that I get my strength from her. But after losing my poppop I wasn’t feeling very strong. In between all of that my mom and dad moved out of my childhood home. I know it sounds like something silly to get sad over that, but I grew up in this home. And here I was already sad that I lost someone I loved so much, but now I was losing the home I loved. And to top that off, I was the one that was there when the movers were moving them out because my mom and dad had to be out of state to close on their new house. Yeah, you heard me right. OUT OF STATE.

So now, my parents are out of state. They were always my go to when I needed someone and it was just an hours drive away if that. Now……4 hours. Might not seem like a lot to some people but throw 3 kids into the mix of driving there and now you have like a 6 hour drive. It sucks. They also have the worst internet and phone service at their house so I can’t even FaceTime my mom. It’s always text messages. Sometimes I just want to see her face and hear her voice. But I am getting better coping with them moving. I know its where they need and want to be so how could I possibly be bitter about them moving?

So in the midst of all this change…..here comes depression. At first it was just little spurts of crying here and there (mostly because i thought I was sad about everything going on.) but then the crying just stopped one day and I shut out the world. I wasn’t going to work. Didn’t want to take a shower. Had trouble dealing with my kids. You name it…..I wasn’t functioning. My husband noticed something was going on but he wasn’t sure what it was. He thought I was just having a really hard time with all of the changes that happened in my life in such a short period of time. Oh not to mention in the middle of all of the changes I had a birthday and Christmas. Not the greatest days. So back to what I was saying.

Depression. It’s an ugly disease that creeps up on you whether you are medicated or not. And they say its all about how you deal with it but as someone who has suffered from depression since my teenage years…..there’s no dealing with it for me. I shut out the world and go into like a zombie state. And I don’t like to talk about my feelings at all. Like being vulnerable to me feels disgusting. I don’t like that open wound feeling. So I just kept everything bottled up inside. Well that is until I couldn’t anymore.

My husband and I go to marriage counseling so that we can better learn to communicate with one another and I can start to get in touch with my feelings.(gross). But this one Wednesday that we went I had absolute word vomit and just started spilling my guts to our counselor about how I wasn’t ok and I didn’t think it was going to get any better because every day the depression got a little worse. I mean she’s a counselor she could see it written all over my face. For a good hour I talked about what was bothering me and we came up with a game plan. I was going to leave there that night and call my psychiatrist and see what she could do for me.

Come to find out…..my psychiatrist is on vacation. So I asked them to page the on call dr whoever that was. I waited 3.5 hours for a phone call back. And finally I told my husband I thought it would be best if I went to the emergency room and talked to a crisis counselor and see how they could help me. This was at like 9:30 at night. I thought about going in the morning, but I knew that I would wake up and just repeat the depression pattern and I wanted to get out of the hole. I couldn’t be in the hole anymore it was consuming me. So I drove myself into the ER. Waited for probably 4 hours for a crisis worker to come in and talk to me. He was the nicest man I had ever met. He made me feel completely comfortable and not as crazy as I was feeling. He made the decision that it would be best if I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and go from there. Now keep in mind that is not what I wanted to hear. I had 3 kids at home that depended on me. My husband had a job he had to go to every morning and I was how the kids got to school. But my husband assured me he could handle the house.

I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. The longest hospital stay I have ever had. They weaned me off medication. Started me on a new medication. Upped a current dose of medication I was on. And bam I was there for two weeks. It was a two weeks I needed. I needed the counseling and the groups and med changes. I needed to talk to the chaplin about the grief I was feeling. These were things I needed to do. I needed to put myself first. I needed to be the best me I could be for my family. And I am glad that I can look back at it now and feel that way instead of feeling guilt.

I have to take each day as it comes and deal with it then. No thinking into the future, no planning ahead unless its absolutely necessary. Just take the day I have right now and roll with what comes with it. It feels good to be blogging again. A way to get everything off my chest and not have to worry about it anymore. Really start to feel my feelings. Which I do in turn realize means I have to be vulnerable. Again. Gross. But it’s what I got to do so that I dont find myself in a situation like I was in last month.

Advertisements

I haven’t written in a few weeks….but that’s because I haven’t been feeling well….or I’ve been too busy to sit down and get all my thoughts out….

The last week I’ve felt like crap…..beyond imaginable crap. Last Thursday I was vomiting after my workout – thought maybe it was the empty stomach or not enough water…maybe a combo of both. Who knows….I’m not a dr.

Well Sunday I was being lazy and laying around with the kiddos….lounging on the couch and watching T.V. All of a sudden I get this horrid pain ripping through my abdomen. Literally….worst gas pain ever….or so I thought….but nope….definitely wasnt gas pain….trust me I know.

Pain was still present Monday and I couldn’t really get off of the couch. So Tuesday I decided (after some “encouraging” words from my mother) that it was time to get into the dr. I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. I went in and got poked and prodded. Had an ultrasound done because the dr thought it was an ovarian cyst….low and behold….it was not. So yesterday (weds.) I went into the dr and had some blood taken.

My dr seems to pretty confident that I have diverticulitis….. I googled it and found out what it was…..and scared the shit out of myself….of course you automatically start thinking worst case scenario. So my blood work came back showing that I did in fact have an infection in my body….so she is starting me on a broad spectrum antibiotic for 5 days…..if the pain is still there or I am still feeling sick…..I’ll schedule a CT scan…..

Im 27 years old….Im too young to have something like that wrong with me……Im a mom of 3 kids…..I dont have time to be down and out when a flare up happens…..I dont have time to be down after surgery god forbid it ever comes to that. Seriously you just start thinking worst case scenario…..how can you NOT…..no it’s not like I have cancer….it’s a very and i mean very treatable condition but that doesnt change the fact that you cannot help but bring yourself to that dark place.

What if something happens to me? Will my husband be okay? Will he be able to handle 3 kids like I do? Will he have a life after me? Will my kid miss me? Will they be mad at me? The list of questions goes on and on……Maybe Im just a negative nelly IDK…..but whenever I have a health scare this is immediately what I think about……I mean God forbid I be positive for 30 seconds…..it’s just my nature….IDK

So hopefully next week we have some FIRM answers….I do know that we have a nasty stomach bug going around the schools where my kids go….so I am hoping to god that’s all it is and nothing more…..there’s me being positive 😉

Work out….Day 1…..

Aaaaaaand I’m dead. A group of girlfriends and I decided it would be a GENIUS idea to try and to a 6 mile obstacle course in May that they call Mudrella. It looked so fun on the website…..Then I had my first personal training session yesterday. 

I haven’t worked out in probably 6 years. Legit the most activity I get is chasing around a toddler and carrying laundry baskets up and down the stairs. And there are some days where that even winds me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I made the decision to sign on with the personal trainer. First of all I want to say that she is the definition of AMAZING. She was very understanding that my limits were not that of an average person because of my back surgery….and because my range of motion is almost nonexistent. Amazing. She pushed me. Not too hard, but just hard enough where Featured image

I knew I wasn’t going to give up on myself.

We spent an entire hour working out. We had a few seconds of water breaks of course but she was great at getting our bodies moving and our heart rate up and keeping it where it needed. Fast forward to the drive home….I can barely lift my arms to drive the damn truck. Like I am pretty sure I am dying in the driver seat. 

Fast forward…..I’m home. My husband is sitting on the couch….he asked how the workout went….I BURST OUT IN TEARS….now not because it was bad….but because I realized how out of shape I am.,…how unhealthy our family eats…..How there’s not a lot that I can do compared to the other girls even though one day I am sure that I will get there. SO now here he is laughing at me while making a protein shake for me (god bless the man for dealing with those stinky farts) but he goes on to tell me how proud he is that I made it through it and I WANT to back. And he will be even more proud if I stick it out. 

Oh….I am sticking this out…..in 3 months when we have this race…..I’m going to kick ass and take names and thank Jenny Burman for all she did for me….I can do this….I will do this….I want to do this….I want a healthier life style. I want to be able to eat again. Id like to eventually quit smoking….but I mean lets talk 1 hurdle at a time here…..a girl has to have some kind of vice….maybe working out will turn into my vice.

All I know….is I hurt like a mother fucker today. Like I want to lay down on the floor and not ever move again….oh and did I mention that our next session is Thursday? Maybe Ill stop hurting by Thursday….but then Ill just hurt for a few more days after it……

Jenny you are truly amazing…..if it weren’t for you pushing me through yesterday and telling YES I can do these things…I would’ve just quit….you’re going to be my inspiration….I am going to make you proud….you are going to kick my ass…and I am going to hate you at times…..but you are the reason that I am going to be able to do this! 

Consultant: Christine Kilner
Website: www.ckilner.jamberrynails.net
P
roduct: Nail Art
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ckilnerjamberry

I have heard so much about Jamberry…pretty much it’s them most amazing company out there. Christine was generous enough to send me samples and allow me to do a review of the product. As you can see from below, I did that 7 day challenge. Which in a nutshell if you apply 1 wrap to your finger and then the rest with nail polish to see how it holds up compared to the wrap. I use my hands daily….so even if I paint my nails 1-2 days later…the nail polish is chipped away and now here I am stuck with the gross finger nails because Im too lazy to paint them ever day.

Featured image

I am happy to report that this actually be day 9, the wrap is still COMPLETELY intact and I have just about no more standard finger nail polish happening. These parties are actually perfect for a mommy/me day or just a fun night girls night in with some wine. Nothing like getting to relax and getting your nails done KNOWING they are going to stay in tact for AT LEAST 7 days! I cannot wait until summer time because I will getting wraps for my toes…..Yup you heard me correct…they offer toe nail wraps amongst other products such as nail laquer! Thank a peek at Christine’s website above if you want to view the products! Also do not hesitated to reach out to Christine with any all questions that you have!

All wraps are buy 3 get 1 free! There are quite a few wraps that are going to discontinued as the new catalog comes out in March. I high recommend trying out this product….you’ll see how right I am. And the application was so simple a 5 year old could do 🙂 I cannot wait to try more products from Jamberry Nails!

Falling off the wagon….

And that’s not in reference to drinking or any addictive behavior at all.

This is really more of a blog entry geared towards SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms). Although, I’m sure that the working mommies out there could weigh in on this subject as well.

As I’ve said before….in March it’ll be 1 year that I’ve been home with my kids….Ages 8, 5, and 18 months. They pretty much run my life at this point. And I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING! But when I was working I noticed that I had more of a sense of accomplishment. Sunday evenings after dinner I would sit down and do a week or two week meal plan. I would dedicate 1 day on the weekend to doing laundry, scrubbing the house, etc…..but here we are almost a year later and I seem to have fallen off the wagon. And even my husband has noticed unfortunately. It used to be that I would run the vacuum and he would be like omg did you clean the house….and now I run the vacuum once or twice a day and he’ll be like when is the last time you dusted? LOL….now that just irritates me….but hey whatever….at least he pays attention right?

But now…it’s like I know I’m going to be home ALL DAY EVERY DAY….so I feel like if I don’t clean for 4 days who cares because on day 5 I’ll clean…or why do laundry on Sunday when I can do it Monday or Tuesday….I almost feel like I have lost my sense of accomplishment! There are days where I wake up at 630 and start cleaning and am cleaning until 3-4 in the afternoon…and there are days where I just want to watch everything from the last week I have on my DVR…or I just want to take a nap….because I CAN!….and I seriously feel like a hermit bum.

It’s winter so we are inside all day…really there’s no excuse for me not cleaning except I don’t feel like it. And it has started arguments with my husband because he busts his ass 40 hours a week to support us and allow us to stay home. But at the same time….3 kids is a lot of work…..and an 18 mo old by herself is even more work omg….and she is like a tornado that rips through the house and cleaning up after her SUCKS…but I am the one that is home….therefore I am the primary caretaker….I clean…make sure the boys are out the door for school on time….cook for them…help the boys with their homework every day….make sure they are all bathed etc….so don’t I deserve to NOT do anything once in awhile?

I feel like that sense of entitlement to be lazy because raising kids is hard work….but that’s no excuse. I know it isn’t, but that doesnt mean my mindset is going to change….

How do you stay productive? What do you do to make yourself feel accomplished? Do you make lists? Or just fly the seat of your pants most days? Im really curious what my readers do and have to say….Is this a normal thing I will grow out of? Or am I doomed?!

Owner & Photographer: Tim Green
Co-Owner: Kristin Green
Facebook for Revealed: https://www.facebook.com/revealedbygp
Facebook for Green Photography: https://www.facebook.com/greenphotography815

Services Offered – Revealed is the boudoir side of the business. 
                              Green Photography is the family pictures, weddings, prom pictures, etc side of the business. 

First off, I will say that Tim and Kristin are great friends of mine. But putting that aside…..I am actually someone who is unbelievably self-conscious about their body. So much so that I wear baggy sweatshirts and baggy sweatpants most of the time. I’m aware that I shouldn’t be that self conscious but it happens to a woman after she’s had kids. But I wanted to do something that brought the sexy back. Something that made me feel alive, and beautiful even though I have had three kids. So I reached out to Tim to take my photos. Now Tim has taken my family photos in the past, so I was really nervous about booking a boudoir photo shoot with him. You start think….omg what if I get uncomfortable…..what if I look fat? What these turn out awful? You just have these awful thoughts that run through your mind.

Then it was the day of the shoot. I had no one to do my hair or make-up that day. It was just me getting ready. By myself. I hate curling my hair, i actually really suck at it…and I hate putting on make-up…but I caked that stuff on.

Tim was the MOST professional photographer that I have worked with. And I have worked with quite a few of them….whether it be family shoots, boudoir shoots, or just pictures of my kids. I’ve never in my life been so comfortable around another person (other than my husband and best friend) in panties and a bra. But he didn’t even look at me any differently….It’s as if I were still wearing my baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants. And I started getting comfortable. And even kind of giddy at the fact that omg I was actually doing this….the world was going to see this pictures. But then all of a sudden….I was 100% okay with that.

I told him what I wanted to capture. I told him what my goal for these photos were. And wow…did he make it happen. I saw myself in a way that I never thought imaginable. I was beautiful. And not the kind of beautiful as in a man tells you you’re beautiful….but artwork beautiful. I truly see the photos he did of me as art. Now some are risque, but hey….they wouldn’t be boudoir if they weren’t.

I am so very much looking forward to my next session with Tim and Revealed. And believe me….there will be plenty more. I highly recommend that if you are interested in getting photos done…talk with Tim and Kristin. Their pricing is very affordable and the level of comfort will blow you out of the water. I will use Tim for all my photo needs,whether it be family or other types of photos….the ideas are endless…the possibilities are endless….and he is amazing.

The talent that he has seriously blows my mind. I cant say enough good things about him and his professionalism. And Kristin….she books all of the appointments and sets up the contracts etc….she too is amazing at what she does. She is on top of everything every step of the way no matter how big or small the detail is. Check out their Facebook pages above. You wont be sorry….and if you do book or have questions….tell them Taboo Mommy sent you 😉

1.) Hush or shhhh or shut up – We are all guilty of it. Kids are meant to be loud. Its apart of them being KIDS. Sometimes my kids are so loud if I am watching TV I will turn it to volume 50 just so I can hear what is going on. I’ve learned over the last few months that the older they get, the louder they get….so whatever is on TV….it can wait….let those kids be just that….KIDS….They wont be loud forever….and lord knows they wont be kids forever. 

2.) We don’t have time for that – Another way of saying “I don’t feel like doing this”. MAKE TIME. Like I said above they wont be kids forever….and you have to treasure every second that you have them. Before you know it, they will be in college and wont want to build legos anymore, or play NERF guns, or paint stupid hand trees that you found on pinterest. It doesn’t matter what it is…..make the time….don’t tell them that you don’t have time because you can absolutely find 5 minutes to do whatever your child wants to do. 

3.) I’m busy OR maybe later – No…..you’re not busy…..you just want to finish what you are doing uninterrupted. Like for me vacuuming every day is something I am super OCD about….but you know what? The floors will be dirty tomorrow and will still need to be vacuumed. You’re never to busy to watch a show with them, read them a book, or just BE with them.

4.) Let me do it myself – Oh this is a big one I wish I would never say to my kids. As everyone knows I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old and they are both very into helping mommy do things. Ive actually had the 8 year start doing laundry and the 5 year old help me cook dinner. Normally I would tell them to leave me alone….or let me finish what I am doing so it gets done right….but there’s in no right or wrong way to do something when they are that age. They need to learn how to do things. Trial and error people. Trial and error.

5.) GO away – Yes, I am guilty of telling one of my children to go away….most of the time its in the middle of a conversation with their father, or I am on the phone with someone….but you know what? Those people can wait…your children cannot. Nor will they.

6.)  You’re not doing that right – False…..there is no wrong way to do whatever it is that they are doing. Let’s talk about common core math for a second. My second grader struggles in math and I learned basic math in school. So its very hard for me when it comes to common core to tell him that he isnt doing something right….because he is just doing it DIFFERENT than what I learned. Talk about a learning opportunity for both of us. This applies to everything. Even teaching them to clean their room or make their bed. Do not ever tell your child they are not doing something right….it just degrades them. 

Being a parent is a learning process. We are all going to make mistakes. Big ones. Little ones. Ones that dont even matter in their upbringing. But they will make mistakes too. But how we respond to their mistakes and requests will shape them into the adult/husband/wife/parent that they are going to be. Out of 3 kids I can tell you that I have made probably close to a million mistakes….but you know what? Parenting isn’t a perfect science and it never will be. Our children teach us things daily that we dont even realize. Take a second and look at the things that your children are doing or saying. Learn to be a better parent FROM your child. No self help book or parenting class can teach you what your children will. They are my greatest achievement. And I hope to continue to learn from each child every day as they grow. I hope to learn more patience for each child….because quite frankly each of them needs a different amount of patience. I hope to god that one day my kids will look back and say “my mom was the best mom EVER”……