No filters, crazy honest, crazy fun

April 27, 2009 at 5:01pm KMG2 was born. He was born after being in labor only 6 hours which I would say is pretty impressive for my second labor. He weighed in at 5lbs 11oz and 19″ long! He had a full head of strawberry blonde hair and he was just so beautiful. My second perfect baby boy in my life. I felt like my life was complete…(hint we had another baby after KMG2….)

He is officially 9 years old! He is JUST like his dad. In every way possible. He is athletic. He loves to work with his hands using tools. He likes riding dirt bikes, going to the skate park and riding scooters. He has a TON of friends my little social butterfly.

He is doing very well in school minus his reading because…..well he refuses to read. He hates it. Another thing that’s just like his father. It amazes me how much he changes every single day.

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You should make lemonade or so they say….I say bring me some vodka to go with that lemonade. I havent worked in over 4 years because the husband and I decided it was better for me to stay home with our newborn daughter. Which I was absolutely ecstatic because I didnt get that opportunity with my two older boys.

Shortly after we decided I would stay home JDG decided to start his own business  and boom….it took off overnight. So I started working for JDG helping him out with shipping orders every day. I did that until October 2017. We made a ton of money in the first three years of owning the company but by the fourth year it just died off and we have no idea why. So JDG decided it was time to sell the business and move on with our lives. And that is exactly what we did.

The, about 3 weeks ago JDG was let go from his job. Talk about a kick in the dick. He was obviously the breadwinner for our family because I wasnt working. So of course it came as a huge shock. JDG said that he had a feeling it was coming because they were cut down to 4 days a week for months now. But your never financially ready for that kind of blow.

So now after four years out of the work force….Im a working woman again and so far I love my job. It is so faced paced that it makes the day fly by! They did a little training for me on Friday and then they threw me on the phones alone. Talk about nerve wracking! Plus the woman that is training me is leaving for vacation Weds so I will be on my own at the receptionists…..im already nervous about that. I just love being out of the house and having daily adult interaction.

So we’ll see what next week brings!

Holy cow has it been quite some time since I’ve sat down and had the time to write about well anything! So much has happened in my life, this will probably be a really long entry so I can try and catch everyone up. Not that I have a lot of readers….but hey someone might be interested in what I have to say. So I will bullet point the important points in my life over the last few months and then Ill go into detail…..I just want to make sure Im not forgetting anything! Its been one hell of a roller coaster ride this year!

  • I turned 30 on December 11, 2017
  • I had an affair that started 07/19/2017 and lasted 6 months
  • I separated from my husband because of said affair
  • I ended up in the psychiatric ward because at some point over the summer i lost my damn mind and ended up in hospital for two days
  • I started new medication….which I love but they made me gain 45 lbs
  • My middle child turned 9 on 04/27/2018
  • I am about ready to register my youngest for Kindergarten already
  • My oldest will be starting middle school (yikes!)
  • I started a new job on Friday
  • My husband was laid off from his job a few weeks ago
  • I got arrested for domestic battery in November

I’m sure I’ll find more to write about but that’s just the jist of my life the past few months. I was really nervous about turning 30 because people kept saying that your life goes downhill after you turn 30. I was supposed to have a huge blowout for my birthday but go figure right before my birthday I had a falling out with my bestie who was planning my party. So the party got cancelled and I ended up going out with my friend and her boyfriend….and the guy that i was seeing at the time. Boy i tell you what, I partied like it was my 21st birthday. Absolutely wrecked. I honestly dont think I have ever been that drunk in my life. And I literally didnt have a drink until last night when we went out with some friends, but i controlled myself for sure. I didnt want to take up feeling like shit because I knew I would be the one home with the kids and taking care of the.

Random thought…..So I had a job interview on Wednesday and on my way home from the interview some jag off hits me. I was in the left turn where the line in the road turns solid and this guy just came over and cut me off. No turn signal. No brake lights. Nothing. Over $1,000 in damages on my car. The worst part is the police officer said that I was at fault because I was driving too fast for conditions and didnt brake! OMG are you joking me?! So I have to go to court on May 17th and fight it. But I did NAIL the job! And thank god I did because Ive been job searching since October and nothing bit. It’s not the pay that I was hoping for ….not by a long shot but it gets me out of the house and helps out with bills and groceries since the husband isn’t working. And now that he’s not working he can be Mr. Dad! He’ll finally know what I go through every day LOL. But he has been working really hard to find some work to keep him busy and make money.

And onto the next chapter……

So because I am so awesome at forgetting passwords and what not I wasn’t able to log into this blog until now. So here I am back at it in action. The blog is going to take a turn for a while because it is going to be my new vice. You know, quit smoking…..pick up something new LOL.

It’s been a really rough few months for me. I know a lot of you don’t know this, but I suffer from Bipolar and Anxiety disorder. I am medicated thank god, but just because you are on medication doesn’t always mean you are going to be in tip top shape. And lord knows I haven’t been.

December 5. Probably one of the worst days of my life. My poppop (grandpa) passed away at home of natural causes. We were very close and I loved him dearly. Losing him was like losing my own father. A couple of weeks after he passed away my mom, sister, and I went to Ohio to visit my nana and make sure she was holding up ok. Of course she was because lord knows she is the toughest old bird I have ever met in my life. I like to think that I get my strength from her. But after losing my poppop I wasn’t feeling very strong. In between all of that my mom and dad moved out of my childhood home. I know it sounds like something silly to get sad over that, but I grew up in this home. And here I was already sad that I lost someone I loved so much, but now I was losing the home I loved. And to top that off, I was the one that was there when the movers were moving them out because my mom and dad had to be out of state to close on their new house. Yeah, you heard me right. OUT OF STATE.

So now, my parents are out of state. They were always my go to when I needed someone and it was just an hours drive away if that. Now……4 hours. Might not seem like a lot to some people but throw 3 kids into the mix of driving there and now you have like a 6 hour drive. It sucks. They also have the worst internet and phone service at their house so I can’t even FaceTime my mom. It’s always text messages. Sometimes I just want to see her face and hear her voice. But I am getting better coping with them moving. I know its where they need and want to be so how could I possibly be bitter about them moving?

So in the midst of all this change…..here comes depression. At first it was just little spurts of crying here and there (mostly because i thought I was sad about everything going on.) but then the crying just stopped one day and I shut out the world. I wasn’t going to work. Didn’t want to take a shower. Had trouble dealing with my kids. You name it…..I wasn’t functioning. My husband noticed something was going on but he wasn’t sure what it was. He thought I was just having a really hard time with all of the changes that happened in my life in such a short period of time. Oh not to mention in the middle of all of the changes I had a birthday and Christmas. Not the greatest days. So back to what I was saying.

Depression. It’s an ugly disease that creeps up on you whether you are medicated or not. And they say its all about how you deal with it but as someone who has suffered from depression since my teenage years…..there’s no dealing with it for me. I shut out the world and go into like a zombie state. And I don’t like to talk about my feelings at all. Like being vulnerable to me feels disgusting. I don’t like that open wound feeling. So I just kept everything bottled up inside. Well that is until I couldn’t anymore.

My husband and I go to marriage counseling so that we can better learn to communicate with one another and I can start to get in touch with my feelings.(gross). But this one Wednesday that we went I had absolute word vomit and just started spilling my guts to our counselor about how I wasn’t ok and I didn’t think it was going to get any better because every day the depression got a little worse. I mean she’s a counselor she could see it written all over my face. For a good hour I talked about what was bothering me and we came up with a game plan. I was going to leave there that night and call my psychiatrist and see what she could do for me.

Come to find out…..my psychiatrist is on vacation. So I asked them to page the on call dr whoever that was. I waited 3.5 hours for a phone call back. And finally I told my husband I thought it would be best if I went to the emergency room and talked to a crisis counselor and see how they could help me. This was at like 9:30 at night. I thought about going in the morning, but I knew that I would wake up and just repeat the depression pattern and I wanted to get out of the hole. I couldn’t be in the hole anymore it was consuming me. So I drove myself into the ER. Waited for probably 4 hours for a crisis worker to come in and talk to me. He was the nicest man I had ever met. He made me feel completely comfortable and not as crazy as I was feeling. He made the decision that it would be best if I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and go from there. Now keep in mind that is not what I wanted to hear. I had 3 kids at home that depended on me. My husband had a job he had to go to every morning and I was how the kids got to school. But my husband assured me he could handle the house.

I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. The longest hospital stay I have ever had. They weaned me off medication. Started me on a new medication. Upped a current dose of medication I was on. And bam I was there for two weeks. It was a two weeks I needed. I needed the counseling and the groups and med changes. I needed to talk to the chaplin about the grief I was feeling. These were things I needed to do. I needed to put myself first. I needed to be the best me I could be for my family. And I am glad that I can look back at it now and feel that way instead of feeling guilt.

I have to take each day as it comes and deal with it then. No thinking into the future, no planning ahead unless its absolutely necessary. Just take the day I have right now and roll with what comes with it. It feels good to be blogging again. A way to get everything off my chest and not have to worry about it anymore. Really start to feel my feelings. Which I do in turn realize means I have to be vulnerable. Again. Gross. But it’s what I got to do so that I dont find myself in a situation like I was in last month.

I haven’t written in a few weeks….but that’s because I haven’t been feeling well….or I’ve been too busy to sit down and get all my thoughts out….

The last week I’ve felt like crap…..beyond imaginable crap. Last Thursday I was vomiting after my workout – thought maybe it was the empty stomach or not enough water…maybe a combo of both. Who knows….I’m not a dr.

Well Sunday I was being lazy and laying around with the kiddos….lounging on the couch and watching T.V. All of a sudden I get this horrid pain ripping through my abdomen. Literally….worst gas pain ever….or so I thought….but nope….definitely wasnt gas pain….trust me I know.

Pain was still present Monday and I couldn’t really get off of the couch. So Tuesday I decided (after some “encouraging” words from my mother) that it was time to get into the dr. I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. I went in and got poked and prodded. Had an ultrasound done because the dr thought it was an ovarian cyst….low and behold….it was not. So yesterday (weds.) I went into the dr and had some blood taken.

My dr seems to pretty confident that I have diverticulitis….. I googled it and found out what it was…..and scared the shit out of myself….of course you automatically start thinking worst case scenario. So my blood work came back showing that I did in fact have an infection in my body….so she is starting me on a broad spectrum antibiotic for 5 days…..if the pain is still there or I am still feeling sick…..I’ll schedule a CT scan…..

Im 27 years old….Im too young to have something like that wrong with me……Im a mom of 3 kids…..I dont have time to be down and out when a flare up happens…..I dont have time to be down after surgery god forbid it ever comes to that. Seriously you just start thinking worst case scenario…..how can you NOT…..no it’s not like I have cancer….it’s a very and i mean very treatable condition but that doesnt change the fact that you cannot help but bring yourself to that dark place.

What if something happens to me? Will my husband be okay? Will he be able to handle 3 kids like I do? Will he have a life after me? Will my kid miss me? Will they be mad at me? The list of questions goes on and on……Maybe Im just a negative nelly IDK…..but whenever I have a health scare this is immediately what I think about……I mean God forbid I be positive for 30 seconds…..it’s just my nature….IDK

So hopefully next week we have some FIRM answers….I do know that we have a nasty stomach bug going around the schools where my kids go….so I am hoping to god that’s all it is and nothing more…..there’s me being positive 😉

Work out….Day 1…..

Aaaaaaand I’m dead. A group of girlfriends and I decided it would be a GENIUS idea to try and to a 6 mile obstacle course in May that they call Mudrella. It looked so fun on the website…..Then I had my first personal training session yesterday. 

I haven’t worked out in probably 6 years. Legit the most activity I get is chasing around a toddler and carrying laundry baskets up and down the stairs. And there are some days where that even winds me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I made the decision to sign on with the personal trainer. First of all I want to say that she is the definition of AMAZING. She was very understanding that my limits were not that of an average person because of my back surgery….and because my range of motion is almost nonexistent. Amazing. She pushed me. Not too hard, but just hard enough where Featured image

I knew I wasn’t going to give up on myself.

We spent an entire hour working out. We had a few seconds of water breaks of course but she was great at getting our bodies moving and our heart rate up and keeping it where it needed. Fast forward to the drive home….I can barely lift my arms to drive the damn truck. Like I am pretty sure I am dying in the driver seat. 

Fast forward…..I’m home. My husband is sitting on the couch….he asked how the workout went….I BURST OUT IN TEARS….now not because it was bad….but because I realized how out of shape I am.,…how unhealthy our family eats…..How there’s not a lot that I can do compared to the other girls even though one day I am sure that I will get there. SO now here he is laughing at me while making a protein shake for me (god bless the man for dealing with those stinky farts) but he goes on to tell me how proud he is that I made it through it and I WANT to back. And he will be even more proud if I stick it out. 

Oh….I am sticking this out…..in 3 months when we have this race…..I’m going to kick ass and take names and thank Jenny Burman for all she did for me….I can do this….I will do this….I want to do this….I want a healthier life style. I want to be able to eat again. Id like to eventually quit smoking….but I mean lets talk 1 hurdle at a time here…..a girl has to have some kind of vice….maybe working out will turn into my vice.

All I know….is I hurt like a mother fucker today. Like I want to lay down on the floor and not ever move again….oh and did I mention that our next session is Thursday? Maybe Ill stop hurting by Thursday….but then Ill just hurt for a few more days after it……

Jenny you are truly amazing…..if it weren’t for you pushing me through yesterday and telling YES I can do these things…I would’ve just quit….you’re going to be my inspiration….I am going to make you proud….you are going to kick my ass…and I am going to hate you at times…..but you are the reason that I am going to be able to do this! 

Consultant: Christine Kilner
Website: www.ckilner.jamberrynails.net
P
roduct: Nail Art
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ckilnerjamberry

I have heard so much about Jamberry…pretty much it’s them most amazing company out there. Christine was generous enough to send me samples and allow me to do a review of the product. As you can see from below, I did that 7 day challenge. Which in a nutshell if you apply 1 wrap to your finger and then the rest with nail polish to see how it holds up compared to the wrap. I use my hands daily….so even if I paint my nails 1-2 days later…the nail polish is chipped away and now here I am stuck with the gross finger nails because Im too lazy to paint them ever day.

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I am happy to report that this actually be day 9, the wrap is still COMPLETELY intact and I have just about no more standard finger nail polish happening. These parties are actually perfect for a mommy/me day or just a fun night girls night in with some wine. Nothing like getting to relax and getting your nails done KNOWING they are going to stay in tact for AT LEAST 7 days! I cannot wait until summer time because I will getting wraps for my toes…..Yup you heard me correct…they offer toe nail wraps amongst other products such as nail laquer! Thank a peek at Christine’s website above if you want to view the products! Also do not hesitated to reach out to Christine with any all questions that you have!

All wraps are buy 3 get 1 free! There are quite a few wraps that are going to discontinued as the new catalog comes out in March. I high recommend trying out this product….you’ll see how right I am. And the application was so simple a 5 year old could do 🙂 I cannot wait to try more products from Jamberry Nails!