To my 8 year old son….

I will be your advocate. I will be the one to speak up for you when you need me to. I will always love you no matter what happens. No matter where you go in life or what you do with your life, I will be your number 1 fan, supporter, advocate, and friend.

I try not to get to emotional and sappy on these blogs because the whole reason I made a blog was to be candid and get my opinion about certain things out there. But the last week has been a whirlwind in my house. I have an 8 year old son. He is my oldest. And we have a very special bond.

Last Wednesday, or shall I say Tuesday night is when it all started. We’ve been noticing over the last year or so his aggression was becoming more and more noticeable, but I just thought it was the hormones….for the love of god hormones hit kids much earlier these days. And I am no trained professional, hence why I only brought it up to his pediatrician a few times.

Well Tuesday was OUR breaking point. And I say OUR because whatever he is feeling and going through, so am I. My 8 year old got into a huge argument with my 5 year old that led to a 7 o’clock bedtime versus 8 o’clock. That is a huge thing in our house if they end up having to go to bed an hour earlier. The melt down began. The screaming. The crying. The hitting himself. The hitting walls. Stomping feet. Pushing his brother. And then I heard the words no mother EVER wants to hear come out of their child’s mouth at any age….”I just want to kill myself”. Repeatedly….this was said. I had no idea what to do. My husband wasn’t home. So I sent all the kids to bed so I could try and wrap my head around what the fuck just happened. So I sent a text to my best friend saying I need you….and she responded immediately.

I ended up calling the crisis line after his dad got home and we talked about what we were going to do. We thought maybe we could wait until the next morning and discuss it with him, but when he got my oldest out of bed to have a conversation, the aggression was still present. His eyes were black. He wasnt himself. So I called the crisis line asking them what should be done. And yep, you guessed it, I had to my 8 year old into the emergency department to be evaluated by a crisis counselor. at 2:30 in the morning he was transported by ambulance to a behavioral/psychiatric center. I left there at about 4:30 in morning on Wednesday. My birthday was the next day and I knew my baby wasnt going to be home.

I spent 7 days and nights worrying almost to the point of being sick about my son. I couldnt sleep because he wasnt home. I didnt know what was going on. But I knew he was getting the help he needed and in a good place. 24/7 video surveillance. Group therapies, and a medication he needed to be on. He got discharged 7 days later. 7. Freaking. Days. I didnt celebrate my birthday. We havent put up a Christmas tree. Nothing. All I can focus on is getting him better and to the place he needs to be in.

He will for as long as I know be seeing therapists and psychiatrists and taking medication. Sure it’ll change, maybe he wont need meds when he gets older, but I truly feel I did what was best for MY SON. He’s been home 3 days now….and I still see the aggression, but nowhere near what it was. The medication he is on, he is still getting used to so he gets very tired after taking it. But we’ll get through it. Together. As a family. We can do this.

If you have a child that you notice is struggling with every day life, cries all the time, gets angry, I dont care what it is….anything that doesnt seem normal to you….make an appointment with a therapist and get your child evaluated. Because I can tell you, you never want it to get to the point where you have to watch your kid being strapped to a gurney and put in an ambulance to be transported to a psychiatric unit, no matter what age they are.

We have a lot as a family that has to be worked on but that comes day by day….and with a lot of family and individual therapy. But. WE CAN DO THIS. WE WILL DO THIS. WE HAVE TO DO THIS. It will be a long road, and unfortunately they cannot diagnose him with what I believe is Bipolar until he is an adolescent….And I say bipolar because i myself am bipolar and see all the warning signs in him.

But no matter what happens, I will be here. I will love him. i will do what i need to do to make sure his life is as normal as possible….although in society today being on medication does seem to be pretty normal. I let him know that mommy takes medication too. We actually take our medication together so I can get him to take it. I dont want him to be ashamed. Like I was. Like I still am to have to be on medication to get that little bit of help so you have some sense of normalcy.

I never truly realized how much I love him and need him to be okay until right now. And He will be ok. Because he has me as his mom.