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Oh wow has it been a long time!

So because I am so awesome at forgetting passwords and what not I wasn’t able to log into this blog until now. So here I am back at it in action. The blog is going to take a turn for a while because it is going to be my new vice. You know, quit smoking…..pick up something new LOL.

It’s been a really rough few months for me. I know a lot of you don’t know this, but I suffer from Bipolar and Anxiety disorder. I am medicated thank god, but just because you are on medication doesn’t always mean you are going to be in tip top shape. And lord knows I haven’t been.

December 5. Probably one of the worst days of my life. My poppop (grandpa) passed away at home of natural causes. We were very close and I loved him dearly. Losing him was like losing my own father. A couple of weeks after he passed away my mom, sister, and I went to Ohio to visit my nana and make sure she was holding up ok. Of course she was because lord knows she is the toughest old bird I have ever met in my life. I like to think that I get my strength from her. But after losing my poppop I wasn’t feeling very strong. In between all of that my mom and dad moved out of my childhood home. I know it sounds like something silly to get sad over that, but I grew up in this home. And here I was already sad that I lost someone I loved so much, but now I was losing the home I loved. And to top that off, I was the one that was there when the movers were moving them out because my mom and dad had to be out of state to close on their new house. Yeah, you heard me right. OUT OF STATE.

So now, my parents are out of state. They were always my go to when I needed someone and it was just an hours drive away if that. Now……4 hours. Might not seem like a lot to some people but throw 3 kids into the mix of driving there and now you have like a 6 hour drive. It sucks. They also have the worst internet and phone service at their house so I can’t even FaceTime my mom. It’s always text messages. Sometimes I just want to see her face and hear her voice. But I am getting better coping with them moving. I know its where they need and want to be so how could I possibly be bitter about them moving?

So in the midst of all this change… comes depression. At first it was just little spurts of crying here and there (mostly because i thought I was sad about everything going on.) but then the crying just stopped one day and I shut out the world. I wasn’t going to work. Didn’t want to take a shower. Had trouble dealing with my kids. You name it…..I wasn’t functioning. My husband noticed something was going on but he wasn’t sure what it was. He thought I was just having a really hard time with all of the changes that happened in my life in such a short period of time. Oh not to mention in the middle of all of the changes I had a birthday and Christmas. Not the greatest days. So back to what I was saying.

Depression. It’s an ugly disease that creeps up on you whether you are medicated or not. And they say its all about how you deal with it but as someone who has suffered from depression since my teenage years…..there’s no dealing with it for me. I shut out the world and go into like a zombie state. And I don’t like to talk about my feelings at all. Like being vulnerable to me feels disgusting. I don’t like that open wound feeling. So I just kept everything bottled up inside. Well that is until I couldn’t anymore.

My husband and I go to marriage counseling so that we can better learn to communicate with one another and I can start to get in touch with my feelings.(gross). But this one Wednesday that we went I had absolute word vomit and just started spilling my guts to our counselor about how I wasn’t ok and I didn’t think it was going to get any better because every day the depression got a little worse. I mean she’s a counselor she could see it written all over my face. For a good hour I talked about what was bothering me and we came up with a game plan. I was going to leave there that night and call my psychiatrist and see what she could do for me.

Come to find out… psychiatrist is on vacation. So I asked them to page the on call dr whoever that was. I waited 3.5 hours for a phone call back. And finally I told my husband I thought it would be best if I went to the emergency room and talked to a crisis counselor and see how they could help me. This was at like 9:30 at night. I thought about going in the morning, but I knew that I would wake up and just repeat the depression pattern and I wanted to get out of the hole. I couldn’t be in the hole anymore it was consuming me. So I drove myself into the ER. Waited for probably 4 hours for a crisis worker to come in and talk to me. He was the nicest man I had ever met. He made me feel completely comfortable and not as crazy as I was feeling. He made the decision that it would be best if I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and go from there. Now keep in mind that is not what I wanted to hear. I had 3 kids at home that depended on me. My husband had a job he had to go to every morning and I was how the kids got to school. But my husband assured me he could handle the house.

I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. The longest hospital stay I have ever had. They weaned me off medication. Started me on a new medication. Upped a current dose of medication I was on. And bam I was there for two weeks. It was a two weeks I needed. I needed the counseling and the groups and med changes. I needed to talk to the chaplin about the grief I was feeling. These were things I needed to do. I needed to put myself first. I needed to be the best me I could be for my family. And I am glad that I can look back at it now and feel that way instead of feeling guilt.

I have to take each day as it comes and deal with it then. No thinking into the future, no planning ahead unless its absolutely necessary. Just take the day I have right now and roll with what comes with it. It feels good to be blogging again. A way to get everything off my chest and not have to worry about it anymore. Really start to feel my feelings. Which I do in turn realize means I have to be vulnerable. Again. Gross. But it’s what I got to do so that I dont find myself in a situation like I was in last month.


6 things I wish I would’ve never said to my children…..

1.) Hush or shhhh or shut up – We are all guilty of it. Kids are meant to be loud. Its apart of them being KIDS. Sometimes my kids are so loud if I am watching TV I will turn it to volume 50 just so I can hear what is going on. I’ve learned over the last few months that the older they get, the louder they get….so whatever is on TV….it can wait….let those kids be just that….KIDS….They wont be loud forever….and lord knows they wont be kids forever. 

2.) We don’t have time for that – Another way of saying “I don’t feel like doing this”. MAKE TIME. Like I said above they wont be kids forever….and you have to treasure every second that you have them. Before you know it, they will be in college and wont want to build legos anymore, or play NERF guns, or paint stupid hand trees that you found on pinterest. It doesn’t matter what it is…..make the time….don’t tell them that you don’t have time because you can absolutely find 5 minutes to do whatever your child wants to do. 

3.) I’m busy OR maybe later – No…’re not busy… just want to finish what you are doing uninterrupted. Like for me vacuuming every day is something I am super OCD about….but you know what? The floors will be dirty tomorrow and will still need to be vacuumed. You’re never to busy to watch a show with them, read them a book, or just BE with them.

4.) Let me do it myself – Oh this is a big one I wish I would never say to my kids. As everyone knows I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old and they are both very into helping mommy do things. Ive actually had the 8 year start doing laundry and the 5 year old help me cook dinner. Normally I would tell them to leave me alone….or let me finish what I am doing so it gets done right….but there’s in no right or wrong way to do something when they are that age. They need to learn how to do things. Trial and error people. Trial and error.

5.) GO away – Yes, I am guilty of telling one of my children to go away….most of the time its in the middle of a conversation with their father, or I am on the phone with someone….but you know what? Those people can wait…your children cannot. Nor will they.

6.)  You’re not doing that right – False…..there is no wrong way to do whatever it is that they are doing. Let’s talk about common core math for a second. My second grader struggles in math and I learned basic math in school. So its very hard for me when it comes to common core to tell him that he isnt doing something right….because he is just doing it DIFFERENT than what I learned. Talk about a learning opportunity for both of us. This applies to everything. Even teaching them to clean their room or make their bed. Do not ever tell your child they are not doing something right….it just degrades them. 

Being a parent is a learning process. We are all going to make mistakes. Big ones. Little ones. Ones that dont even matter in their upbringing. But they will make mistakes too. But how we respond to their mistakes and requests will shape them into the adult/husband/wife/parent that they are going to be. Out of 3 kids I can tell you that I have made probably close to a million mistakes….but you know what? Parenting isn’t a perfect science and it never will be. Our children teach us things daily that we dont even realize. Take a second and look at the things that your children are doing or saying. Learn to be a better parent FROM your child. No self help book or parenting class can teach you what your children will. They are my greatest achievement. And I hope to continue to learn from each child every day as they grow. I hope to learn more patience for each child….because quite frankly each of them needs a different amount of patience. I hope to god that one day my kids will look back and say “my mom was the best mom EVER”……

So we have another “Snow Day”…Reaction to an article I read this morning

So we’re on day 2 of “snow day” for our school districts. But in all reality it’s a cold day because it’s -9 with wind chills of -35 to -40. I am the parent that if its 0* outside….I would sincerely hope that they close the schools for the children’s safety, however with that being said, I came across this article this morning that kind of got my fires going…..I mean you’ll probably be able to tell because I haven’t written in a few weeks.

Basically in a nutshell the author of this article is basically calling parents and children alike wimpy because our schools are closed due to the extreme temperatures. Here’s what the author DOESN’T”T take into account. It can take seconds to get frostbite when exposed to these temperatures. Also…..what happens when your child’s bus breaks down, you’re at work and have no clue….and now all of a sudden your kid gets hypothermia from standing there waiting for the bus? Not to mention 9 times out of 10 when temperatures get this cold….buses don’t start. Or they will start and not even be warm by the time their routes are done. Now you are subjecting these children and their driver to hazardous conditions. I wonder if this author even has children?

Secondly as a mother who has a child with asthma…..and I’m sure any parent that has a child with any respiratory or autoimmune disease etc can relate…..when you are a child (or an adult) with asthma and you are standing out in subzero temperatures and all of a sudden you get to school and it’s all nice and toasty warm….your bronchial muscles start to spasm, whether it be just enough to irritate a child and give them a cough or a full blown asthma attack it doesn’t matter. Going from one extreme temperate to another is very dangerous. I am glad that school take our children’s health and well being into thought while they make the tough decisions to close schools for cold weather. Just because the kids get a “snow day” doesn’t mean the teachers are there working. The teachers also along with the children will be in school longer when summer comes….they do not make these decisions lightly.

I feel that if you are going to write an article calling children “wimpy” maybe have your facts straight. Take other things into account. Yeah, I get that anyone can have a blog. Freedom of speech is what they call it. But come one….It’s 2015….our kids don’t have to walk miles to school in the snow barefoot or anything like that. Do your research, have some common sense.

Ultimately it truly is up to the parent whether they want to send their child to school when the weather is as it is. But with the schools being closed that’s obviously a decision they don’t have to make. I also understand that when the schools close for a day or two or even more during the week it can be stressful on a parent who works because of last minute child care being needed, but again the writer of the article just sounds ignorant….and again….I wonder if they have any children…

All I ask is that if for some reason you truly do need to take your children out of the warmth of your home, is that you use your brain. If you’re cold….they are colder.  Bundle them up. Warm your car up. We know that not all parents are all there, so please just have common sense. Stay inside if you can. Keep your kids inside if you can. It’s below freezing outside. There is no reason in the world a child needs to be outside.

The Mother of all mood SWINGS….

Why….just why….does the mother of all mood swings have to happen RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of probably one of the best days you’ve had in let’s say at least 3+ months!?

You know why? Because it’s like God wants to punish me….”oh you’re having a good day? Let me think of one way that I can ruin that…”

Take yesterday for example…..My two oldest boys were set to go to sleepover at a friends house that they haven’t seen in months. They go to different schools and we are friends with the parents so it’s kind of like they are forced friends. But any who…..back on track! They were all excited for the sleepover. The mom and I had planned a drop off time and what was going to happen for dinner because well daddy and I weren’t going be around. He had to go to the city to have dinner for his grandmother’s 85th birthday and I had to go to my mom’s house for birthday dinners for my dad and sister. So easily, we were going to be at least an hour away if the boys were bad or something happened.

Then something did happen. As I am getting my daughter ready to make the treck to my mother’s with me I hear my youngest boy crying… I start to get aggravated because I just know I am about to take away a sleepover. And here he comes sauntering into the living room telling me that his brother kicked in in the “twig and berries” as we call it in our house….my blood began to boil. God was grounding me for something but I wasn’t quite sure….maybe it’s because I keep saying that I am going to quit smoking but never do….who knows…..But here I was….devastated that I was now having to take all 3 of my kids in the back of my car over an hour away to my moms house. Fuck. That’s all I could think.

So the entire car ride they hit each other and fought and made their sister cry…..and I seriously contemplated parking my car in an empty parking lot and calling my parents….one to drive me to their house and one to drive the kids….yup….got that bad….I hate the drive to my parents.

But as aggravated as I am I still have a smile on my face. I was still going to have a great day. They were going to get to grandma’s and there was going to be too much going on so they wouldn’t bother me. That’s generally how it goes. But nope, yesterday was just the opposite.

Then the worst thing in my life ever happened. My mom made chicken thighs for dinner. For ANYONE who knows me outside in the real world….they know that dark meat from any animal makes me sick….it is 100% mental. I know that. You know that. But it’s very real. So here I am watching her make this dinner that I am pretty sure I am going to throw up and all of a sudden the dark cloud just LETS LOOSE. I lost my temper more times than I could count. I’m pretty sure I yelled at my mom at one point. And then my kids made me so mad we left in the middle of dessert.

Usually….if my mom cooks a meal, I clean it up no matter how late I am going to be there. It is the least I could do. But seriously dark meat? You can clean that shit up yourself….but the pumpkin pie was amaze….store bought….and better than the home made one I made….

But the mood swing actually carried over to today….which is a SERIOUS and I mean SERIOUS rarity. I’ve been beyond cranky. Tomorrow is Monday….Mondays are awful for me…..I might have to triple the Klonopin…..juuuuust kidding but don’t judge me if you see me sitting on the porch with a beer at 8 am……just smile, wave, and keep walking…..

What is wrong with our society today?

That link above has sparked a rage in me that I’ve come to feel numerous times when reading articles such as the one posted above.

As a mother, I could never in my life imagine beating or killing one of my own children. Each time one of them was born my heart exploded a little more with love I didn’t know that I could have. A little more of me grew to be more nurturing. More patient. More understanding.

So to read about an ignorant mother who killed her child because he wouldn’t have breakfast…..Jesus. And the worst part? She’ll get life in prison. Not the death penalty. Kill a child, suffer the same death. I am sorry but that is exactly how it should be. I might not be for the death penalty 100%, but for God sakes how can you kill someone you carried for 9 months and raised for 3 years?

I don’t care how “sick” you are, or if you have postpartum depression. Get yourself some freaking help. Take medication. Get admitted. I don’t care. I just cannot fathom how many articles DAILY I read about children dying at the hands of one of their parents.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s no better for a stranger to murder a child or molest or torture….but to KILL YOUR OWN CHILD?!

Sweet mother of god, someone needs to help. But how do you start? Where do you begin? I just cannot even seem to get my words or thoughts straight I am so enraged.

Parenting Fail….

So as most of you know by now I am a SAHM of three kids. Which can absolutely be the worlds hardest job.

The other night, we kind of had a blow-up….and for anyone that knows us, knows that blow-ups are like little tiffs in our house. Well our oldest son who just turned 8 mid October still has accidents one in awhile in the middle of the night. I’ve done a lot of research and some kids who tend to be heavier sleepers do have accidents during the night because their brain just doesn’t make them realize that they have to go to the bathroom. I’ve talked to his doctor numerous times and they say not to worry until they hit about age 10.

Well my son has now gotten into the habit that he doesnt tell us that he had an accident and he’s hiding the clothes under his bed, in his closet, you name it. Wherever he can hide it…he does. So there are days where i will spend 2+ hours ripping his room apart scrubbing it and wondering why it STILL smells like urine. Can never find it. Ever!

Finally, jesus christ finally…..I did their (my 2 boys) laundry on Sunday and found the urine soaked clothes hiding in the middle of a clean clothes basket. (I suck at putting laundry away). I had to wash the clothes three times in order to get the odor out. I almost just threw them all away and bought new stuff, but shit kids clothes are just too damn expensive to be doing that. So I finally dried them, and sanitized the washer and the dryer because you dont want everything smelling like urine after that.

Well I got to the point where I was washing sheets literally every other day or so for awhile and my husband would want to ground my son. I personally dont believe that you should punish a child for having an accident. I believe you should punish a child for HIDING that accident. But regardless I can admit that I suck at discipline. I make him stay in his room for about an hour or two and then he’s done. Well my husband is convinced that he needs to be in his room every day until the end of time. Which I get because for the love of god I have never in my life seen him that mad. I cant believe we all made it out alive.

So the solution seemed to be buying those stupid overnights for kids 6+ who still have accidents. So I did. And I showed them to him. And then I made him wear one to bed last night. He was HUMILIATED. He cried and sobbed and kept saying that he wasnt a baby. And I mean duh he’s 8 he isnt a baby, but I am sick of not being able to let him go to friends house for sleep overs and I am sick of washing sheets all the time.

He woke up dry this morning thank god. And I told him that every morning he wakes up dry…I will put a quarter in the peepee jar I made….and if he pees….he has to take a quarter OUT and give it to me….and usually I put those in his sister’s piggy bank. She’ll be rich my god. But I hope this works…and if any other moms out there read this and have advice or opinions….for the love of god GIVE THEM TO ME!!!