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The Dark Cloud…..

You know the one that looms over you whenever anything good in your life is happening…and then BAM there it is….the mother of all “now I’m fuckeds”….Yes I am aware that fuckeds isn’t a worry however it is appropriate for this blog entry. 

Last weekend is when it all started. I really dont want to get into too much detail because it is my personal life, but I feel like if I don’t….then people will of course only see the story as one sided…..and when I blog when it has to do with my parenting skills, personal life, or anything else, I never want anyone see anything as one sided….because maybe just maybe someone out there can relate to the OTHER person and help me understand what if i have done anything wrong…..so please do not ever judge what I write. Because that will just piss me off to a whole other level….and we don’t want that. No we sure don’t.

So last weekend it started. it was a normal Saturday night, I was already feeling a little edgy and I knew my husband was in in agitated mood just by how he was interacting with the kids and I. Well I was cooking dinner for the kids….sometimes they eat earlier than we do…and also I don’t like to share my food….but back on topic of course….

I asked him to change our youngest diaper. Yes, 100% she needed a diaper change but little did i know she had a HUGE surprise in her diaper for daddy….which never and i mean never happens. So of course I’m dying of laughter and he thinks I did it on purpose so he gets even more agitated. At some point he just turned plain mean we WWIII started up in this house. 

I have no idea what happened. All of a sudden that dark cloud turned black and both of our moods went south. And went south quick, I made a comment about him being a dad only when he wants to be….which yes sometimes i do feel is the case because he wont do ANYTHING unless I hound him to do it. Whether it be change a diaper, give a shower, keep the kids entertained so I can get my work done…whatever the case may be……and he just went off. He told me i wasn’t a wife etc etc….well….at that point i felt the situation was escalating way faster than I thought it was going to so I grabbed my car keys, left him with the kids….and went to the craft store to stock up on supplies for my current orders. 

That’s when the texts started. “run away like you always do” “don’t come back” “file divorce papers” etc etc. At this point i was like omg I am not even going home. But i couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my kids home with dad without me. I do their bed times. I know their bed time rituals, etc. So i get home lets say about 7….might’ve been a little before then but it doesn’t matter. He was asleep on the couch with an 8 year old, 5 year old, and 1 year old running around. 

The two older kids had their dinner. He did not feed the youngest. So she was screaming her head off when I came inside because she was hungry. I fed her. Gave her the cold medicine we have for her. And let her run around…..then the screaming started. Yes, in front of the kids. And for that is a huge parenting no-no. I was pushed past my breaking point. I have a huge vice….I drink rockstar energy drinks. 1 in the morning and then usually water all day possibly a soda with lunch. SO he dumped everything out. Water, soda, and rockstar….I went ballistic because i asked him to stop numerous times and he wouldn’t. So i smacked him. I smacked my husband probably 4-5 times begging to just stop and think for a second. 

Then it hit me. I just put hands on my husband. The man I married. The man I loved….The father of my children…..and they saw the entire thing. Who would’ve thought it it could get worse than that….well it did. I locked myself in our bedroom because i needed to calm down. It was calm down or have a rage black out which is what happens to me when i am pushed past my breaking point. He kicked the door down while i was sitting against it. I knew it was going to hurt the next morning….i woke up with bruises all over my legs where the door hit me….and all i thought was “what the fuck happened last night” How did your marriage come to this? How did the man I love turn into a monster? How did I TURN INTO A MONSTER? Are we that unhappy in our marriage that we would actually allow it to escalate to that point? My answer is yes.

I see the unhappiness every day in his eyes whether he wants to admit it or not. I see it. I feel it. I know he sees and feels the same with me. I haven’t been intimate with him in over 2 weeks. His biggest complaint has always been that I dont give him sex enough. Sorry, Im not down for sex every day. I have hormones out of whack from having a baby and having my tubes tied so I feel like I am still trying to get back to the normal of everything. And by the end of the day running my business and taking care of him and all 3 kids the last thing i am thinking about is being touched by another human including my husband. 

I am on the verge of feeling like our marriage is doomed. I feel like once you pass that getting physical in a bad way portion, your marriage is over. But is it worth fighting for? Is it worth saving? Because you never stay for the kids…

But we’ve been down this path before. We were separated. I filed for divorce. I fell in love with someone else…and then one day realized it wasn’t love with that person…..it was the idea of love because the man I married and just filed divorce from was the one man I TRULY loved. 

We have not discussed last weekend at all. Ok maybe a brief text message where all of the blame was put on me….but it is almost as if it was swept under the rug and we’re just supposed to forget about it. What do you do? How do you work it out? How do you move past it? CAN you even most past it? 

Just how?

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