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Archive for November, 2014

The Dark Cloud…..

You know the one that looms over you whenever anything good in your life is happening…and then BAM there it is….the mother of all “now I’m fuckeds”….Yes I am aware that fuckeds isn’t a worry however it is appropriate for this blog entry. 

Last weekend is when it all started. I really dont want to get into too much detail because it is my personal life, but I feel like if I don’t….then people will of course only see the story as one sided…..and when I blog when it has to do with my parenting skills, personal life, or anything else, I never want anyone see anything as one sided….because maybe just maybe someone out there can relate to the OTHER person and help me understand what if i have done anything wrong…..so please do not ever judge what I write. Because that will just piss me off to a whole other level….and we don’t want that. No we sure don’t.

So last weekend it started. it was a normal Saturday night, I was already feeling a little edgy and I knew my husband was in in agitated mood just by how he was interacting with the kids and I. Well I was cooking dinner for the kids….sometimes they eat earlier than we do…and also I don’t like to share my food….but back on topic of course….

I asked him to change our youngest diaper. Yes, 100% she needed a diaper change but little did i know she had a HUGE surprise in her diaper for daddy….which never and i mean never happens. So of course I’m dying of laughter and he thinks I did it on purpose so he gets even more agitated. At some point he just turned plain mean we WWIII started up in this house. 

I have no idea what happened. All of a sudden that dark cloud turned black and both of our moods went south. And went south quick, I made a comment about him being a dad only when he wants to be….which yes sometimes i do feel is the case because he wont do ANYTHING unless I hound him to do it. Whether it be change a diaper, give a shower, keep the kids entertained so I can get my work done…whatever the case may be……and he just went off. He told me i wasn’t a wife etc etc….well….at that point i felt the situation was escalating way faster than I thought it was going to so I grabbed my car keys, left him with the kids….and went to the craft store to stock up on supplies for my current orders. 

That’s when the texts started. “run away like you always do” “don’t come back” “file divorce papers” etc etc. At this point i was like omg I am not even going home. But i couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my kids home with dad without me. I do their bed times. I know their bed time rituals, etc. So i get home lets say about 7….might’ve been a little before then but it doesn’t matter. He was asleep on the couch with an 8 year old, 5 year old, and 1 year old running around. 

The two older kids had their dinner. He did not feed the youngest. So she was screaming her head off when I came inside because she was hungry. I fed her. Gave her the cold medicine we have for her. And let her run around…..then the screaming started. Yes, in front of the kids. And for that is a huge parenting no-no. I was pushed past my breaking point. I have a huge vice….I drink rockstar energy drinks. 1 in the morning and then usually water all day possibly a soda with lunch. SO he dumped everything out. Water, soda, and rockstar….I went ballistic because i asked him to stop numerous times and he wouldn’t. So i smacked him. I smacked my husband probably 4-5 times begging to just stop and think for a second. 

Then it hit me. I just put hands on my husband. The man I married. The man I loved….The father of my children…..and they saw the entire thing. Who would’ve thought it it could get worse than that….well it did. I locked myself in our bedroom because i needed to calm down. It was calm down or have a rage black out which is what happens to me when i am pushed past my breaking point. He kicked the door down while i was sitting against it. I knew it was going to hurt the next morning….i woke up with bruises all over my legs where the door hit me….and all i thought was “what the fuck happened last night” How did your marriage come to this? How did the man I love turn into a monster? How did I TURN INTO A MONSTER? Are we that unhappy in our marriage that we would actually allow it to escalate to that point? My answer is yes.

I see the unhappiness every day in his eyes whether he wants to admit it or not. I see it. I feel it. I know he sees and feels the same with me. I haven’t been intimate with him in over 2 weeks. His biggest complaint has always been that I dont give him sex enough. Sorry, Im not down for sex every day. I have hormones out of whack from having a baby and having my tubes tied so I feel like I am still trying to get back to the normal of everything. And by the end of the day running my business and taking care of him and all 3 kids the last thing i am thinking about is being touched by another human including my husband. 

I am on the verge of feeling like our marriage is doomed. I feel like once you pass that getting physical in a bad way portion, your marriage is over. But is it worth fighting for? Is it worth saving? Because you never stay for the kids…

But we’ve been down this path before. We were separated. I filed for divorce. I fell in love with someone else…and then one day realized it wasn’t love with that person…..it was the idea of love because the man I married and just filed divorce from was the one man I TRULY loved. 

We have not discussed last weekend at all. Ok maybe a brief text message where all of the blame was put on me….but it is almost as if it was swept under the rug and we’re just supposed to forget about it. What do you do? How do you work it out? How do you move past it? CAN you even most past it? 

Just how?

The Mother of all mood SWINGS….

Why….just why….does the mother of all mood swings have to happen RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of probably one of the best days you’ve had in let’s say at least 3+ months!?

You know why? Because it’s like God wants to punish me….”oh you’re having a good day? Let me think of one way that I can ruin that…”

Take yesterday for example…..My two oldest boys were set to go to sleepover at a friends house that they haven’t seen in months. They go to different schools and we are friends with the parents so it’s kind of like they are forced friends. But any who…..back on track! They were all excited for the sleepover. The mom and I had planned a drop off time and what was going to happen for dinner because well daddy and I weren’t going be around. He had to go to the city to have dinner for his grandmother’s 85th birthday and I had to go to my mom’s house for birthday dinners for my dad and sister. So easily, we were going to be at least an hour away if the boys were bad or something happened.

Then something did happen. As I am getting my daughter ready to make the treck to my mother’s with me I hear my youngest boy crying…..now I start to get aggravated because I just know I am about to take away a sleepover. And here he comes sauntering into the living room telling me that his brother kicked in in the “twig and berries” as we call it in our house….my blood began to boil. God was grounding me for something but I wasn’t quite sure….maybe it’s because I keep saying that I am going to quit smoking but never do….who knows…..But here I was….devastated that I was now having to take all 3 of my kids in the back of my car over an hour away to my moms house. Fuck. That’s all I could think.

So the entire car ride they hit each other and fought and made their sister cry…..and I seriously contemplated parking my car in an empty parking lot and calling my parents….one to drive me to their house and one to drive the kids….yup….got that bad….I hate the drive to my parents.

But as aggravated as I am I still have a smile on my face. I was still going to have a great day. They were going to get to grandma’s and there was going to be too much going on so they wouldn’t bother me. That’s generally how it goes. But nope, yesterday was just the opposite.

Then the worst thing in my life ever happened. My mom made chicken thighs for dinner. For ANYONE who knows me outside in the real world….they know that dark meat from any animal makes me sick….it is 100% mental. I know that. You know that. But it’s very real. So here I am watching her make this dinner that I am pretty sure I am going to throw up and all of a sudden the dark cloud just LETS LOOSE. I lost my temper more times than I could count. I’m pretty sure I yelled at my mom at one point. And then my kids made me so mad we left in the middle of dessert.

Usually….if my mom cooks a meal, I clean it up no matter how late I am going to be there. It is the least I could do. But seriously dark meat? You can clean that shit up yourself….but the pumpkin pie was amaze….store bought….and better than the home made one I made….

But the mood swing actually carried over to today….which is a SERIOUS and I mean SERIOUS rarity. I’ve been beyond cranky. Tomorrow is Monday….Mondays are awful for me…..I might have to triple the Klonopin…..juuuuust kidding but don’t judge me if you see me sitting on the porch with a beer at 8 am……just smile, wave, and keep walking…..

What is wrong with our society today?

http://abc7chicago.com/news/police-3-year-old-hung-up-by-feet-beaten-killed-in-pa/383644/

That link above has sparked a rage in me that I’ve come to feel numerous times when reading articles such as the one posted above.

As a mother, I could never in my life imagine beating or killing one of my own children. Each time one of them was born my heart exploded a little more with love I didn’t know that I could have. A little more of me grew to be more nurturing. More patient. More understanding.

So to read about an ignorant mother who killed her child because he wouldn’t have breakfast…..Jesus. And the worst part? She’ll get life in prison. Not the death penalty. Kill a child, suffer the same death. I am sorry but that is exactly how it should be. I might not be for the death penalty 100%, but for God sakes how can you kill someone you carried for 9 months and raised for 3 years?

I don’t care how “sick” you are, or if you have postpartum depression. Get yourself some freaking help. Take medication. Get admitted. I don’t care. I just cannot fathom how many articles DAILY I read about children dying at the hands of one of their parents.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s no better for a stranger to murder a child or molest or torture….but to KILL YOUR OWN CHILD?!

Sweet mother of god, someone needs to help. But how do you start? Where do you begin? I just cannot even seem to get my words or thoughts straight I am so enraged.

So what….I let my son watch Barbie

Yeah…..He’s a 5 year old boy…..but so what? What are your 5 year olds watching when you let them watch Netflix?

Here’s how I see it….we’re really trying to teach our kids about things being unisex….IE the color pink. My 5 year old used to refuse to wear pink or purple because it was a “girls” color. Whoever told him that I am unsure of because his father rocks pink and purple better than any man I’ve ever met.

But any who! The first time he was watching Barbie on Netflix I was like “no buddy you can’t watch that, it’s for little girls”….and then I had just realized what I said. Barbie DOLLS might be for little gears…or at least geared towards little girls but I actually sat down and watched an episode with him yesterday.

First of all whenever he wants to watch Barbie….you bet your ass I will be letting him…do you know why? Life lessons…..about friendships and relationships…..The one thing I’ve noticed on Barbie….Ken is not a dick. He doesn’t treat Barbie like a maid or piece of ass or anything….He goes out of his way to prove his love to her every episode….or just about every episode because I haven’t watched the entire show (idk if i can bring myself to).

If there is one lesson that my SON will learn from watching Barbie, it will be how to treat his friends….and future girlfriends…and that makes me happy. Think about it…Spongebob and Patrick are best friends and Spongebob calls Patrick stupid in a few episode….I try not to allow that show in my house….Scooby Doo…classic…..we love that show….the two morons of the show love each other….but they never “act”  on it…..

So yeah little buddy….you wanna watch Barbie….you go right ahead and watch it.

THAT mom funk……

Whether you have 1 child or 6 children…we’ve all been in this spot.

That dreaded mom funk. You know the one that you hear your mommy friends talking about. “oh I haven’t showered in 3 days”, “there’s a weeks worth of dishes piled in my sink”, “My kid had McDonalds 3 times this week because I didnt feel like cooking”

Yeah. We’ve all been there. I actually was just currently in a “mom” funk….but quickly realized that “mom” funks are created by ourselves when we feel like being lazy. We actually use the excuse “mom funk” because we want to catch up on our DVR, or we don’t want to take a shower, or do the dishes, or mop the floors…..yeah it’s all in our head.

You’ll notice more times than not that the “mom funk” is that of the SAHM (stay at home mom)…because as a working mother you are up between 4-6 every single morning. Drop the kids off at the sitters or daycare, head to work to be there at 8, clock out at 5, pick up the kids, get home at 5:30, cook dinner, eat around 6-630 on a good night, kids in bed by 8:30, you’re in bed by 11-12 so you can spend some time with your significant other, do laundry, clean up from dinner, etc.

I’ve been in both places. I was a working mother for the last 8 years of my life up until 8 months ago so this whole SAHM thing is new to me. But each week…..and I will admit I have lazy weeks….lazy to the point of my daughter takes a nap…I’m napping with her because I’m just so darn tired and I didn’t get to nap for the last 8 years. But excuses excuses….doesn’t matter…..I’ve come to realize that the “mom funk” is something relative to SAHM’s…..where we have the right to be lazy, not cook, not to laundry, catch up on our DVR….whatever. But why are we calling it the mom funk? Is it so people don’t judge us for being lazy? I mean let’s be honest….how many times did you get dressed in real clothes this week? Me? Nope not once…but hey I showered….so that counts for something right?

Someone came up with this stupid “mom funk” term and I’m starting to loathe it. You’re not in a “funk”. You need a break. You want to be lazy. You want to wear PJ’s for a week. Who is the world to judge if that’s the case? Why not own it? Why not say “You know what? I feel like being ridiculously lazy this week and I am not going to do anything but catch up on my DVR unless my kids need something.” UMMMM pretty sure even working parents do that on the weekends…..I can admit that I have…..

I can also admit where there are days that my daughter and I just hang out playing on the floor all day or she helps me pretend mop…..but you bet once that clock hits 2:00….I might actually wipe down a counter and vacuum so it looks like I did something that day….

Own it. “Mom Funk” just isn’t legit. Either you are lazy…which my god when you run the household 24/7 you are entitled to….or you are depressed and need to talk to someone….there is no “mom funk”…..go to a dr and tell them you are suffering from the “mom funk” she’ll write you a big script for Zoloft right there….

OWN IT! Be lazy! Its okay moms! No more “mom funk”…..let’s just be lazy together….OWN IT.