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Oh wow has it been a long time!

So because I am so awesome at forgetting passwords and what not I wasn’t able to log into this blog until now. So here I am back at it in action. The blog is going to take a turn for a while because it is going to be my new vice. You know, quit smoking…..pick up something new LOL.

It’s been a really rough few months for me. I know a lot of you don’t know this, but I suffer from Bipolar and Anxiety disorder. I am medicated thank god, but just because you are on medication doesn’t always mean you are going to be in tip top shape. And lord knows I haven’t been.

December 5. Probably one of the worst days of my life. My poppop (grandpa) passed away at home of natural causes. We were very close and I loved him dearly. Losing him was like losing my own father. A couple of weeks after he passed away my mom, sister, and I went to Ohio to visit my nana and make sure she was holding up ok. Of course she was because lord knows she is the toughest old bird I have ever met in my life. I like to think that I get my strength from her. But after losing my poppop I wasn’t feeling very strong. In between all of that my mom and dad moved out of my childhood home. I know it sounds like something silly to get sad over that, but I grew up in this home. And here I was already sad that I lost someone I loved so much, but now I was losing the home I loved. And to top that off, I was the one that was there when the movers were moving them out because my mom and dad had to be out of state to close on their new house. Yeah, you heard me right. OUT OF STATE.

So now, my parents are out of state. They were always my go to when I needed someone and it was just an hours drive away if that. Now……4 hours. Might not seem like a lot to some people but throw 3 kids into the mix of driving there and now you have like a 6 hour drive. It sucks. They also have the worst internet and phone service at their house so I can’t even FaceTime my mom. It’s always text messages. Sometimes I just want to see her face and hear her voice. But I am getting better coping with them moving. I know its where they need and want to be so how could I possibly be bitter about them moving?

So in the midst of all this change…..here comes depression. At first it was just little spurts of crying here and there (mostly because i thought I was sad about everything going on.) but then the crying just stopped one day and I shut out the world. I wasn’t going to work. Didn’t want to take a shower. Had trouble dealing with my kids. You name it…..I wasn’t functioning. My husband noticed something was going on but he wasn’t sure what it was. He thought I was just having a really hard time with all of the changes that happened in my life in such a short period of time. Oh not to mention in the middle of all of the changes I had a birthday and Christmas. Not the greatest days. So back to what I was saying.

Depression. It’s an ugly disease that creeps up on you whether you are medicated or not. And they say its all about how you deal with it but as someone who has suffered from depression since my teenage years…..there’s no dealing with it for me. I shut out the world and go into like a zombie state. And I don’t like to talk about my feelings at all. Like being vulnerable to me feels disgusting. I don’t like that open wound feeling. So I just kept everything bottled up inside. Well that is until I couldn’t anymore.

My husband and I go to marriage counseling so that we can better learn to communicate with one another and I can start to get in touch with my feelings.(gross). But this one Wednesday that we went I had absolute word vomit and just started spilling my guts to our counselor about how I wasn’t ok and I didn’t think it was going to get any better because every day the depression got a little worse. I mean she’s a counselor she could see it written all over my face. For a good hour I talked about what was bothering me and we came up with a game plan. I was going to leave there that night and call my psychiatrist and see what she could do for me.

Come to find out…..my psychiatrist is on vacation. So I asked them to page the on call dr whoever that was. I waited 3.5 hours for a phone call back. And finally I told my husband I thought it would be best if I went to the emergency room and talked to a crisis counselor and see how they could help me. This was at like 9:30 at night. I thought about going in the morning, but I knew that I would wake up and just repeat the depression pattern and I wanted to get out of the hole. I couldn’t be in the hole anymore it was consuming me. So I drove myself into the ER. Waited for probably 4 hours for a crisis worker to come in and talk to me. He was the nicest man I had ever met. He made me feel completely comfortable and not as crazy as I was feeling. He made the decision that it would be best if I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and go from there. Now keep in mind that is not what I wanted to hear. I had 3 kids at home that depended on me. My husband had a job he had to go to every morning and I was how the kids got to school. But my husband assured me he could handle the house.

I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. The longest hospital stay I have ever had. They weaned me off medication. Started me on a new medication. Upped a current dose of medication I was on. And bam I was there for two weeks. It was a two weeks I needed. I needed the counseling and the groups and med changes. I needed to talk to the chaplin about the grief I was feeling. These were things I needed to do. I needed to put myself first. I needed to be the best me I could be for my family. And I am glad that I can look back at it now and feel that way instead of feeling guilt.

I have to take each day as it comes and deal with it then. No thinking into the future, no planning ahead unless its absolutely necessary. Just take the day I have right now and roll with what comes with it. It feels good to be blogging again. A way to get everything off my chest and not have to worry about it anymore. Really start to feel my feelings. Which I do in turn realize means I have to be vulnerable. Again. Gross. But it’s what I got to do so that I dont find myself in a situation like I was in last month.

The Dark Cloud…..

You know the one that looms over you whenever anything good in your life is happening…and then BAM there it is….the mother of all “now I’m fuckeds”….Yes I am aware that fuckeds isn’t a worry however it is appropriate for this blog entry. 

Last weekend is when it all started. I really dont want to get into too much detail because it is my personal life, but I feel like if I don’t….then people will of course only see the story as one sided…..and when I blog when it has to do with my parenting skills, personal life, or anything else, I never want anyone see anything as one sided….because maybe just maybe someone out there can relate to the OTHER person and help me understand what if i have done anything wrong…..so please do not ever judge what I write. Because that will just piss me off to a whole other level….and we don’t want that. No we sure don’t.

So last weekend it started. it was a normal Saturday night, I was already feeling a little edgy and I knew my husband was in in agitated mood just by how he was interacting with the kids and I. Well I was cooking dinner for the kids….sometimes they eat earlier than we do…and also I don’t like to share my food….but back on topic of course….

I asked him to change our youngest diaper. Yes, 100% she needed a diaper change but little did i know she had a HUGE surprise in her diaper for daddy….which never and i mean never happens. So of course I’m dying of laughter and he thinks I did it on purpose so he gets even more agitated. At some point he just turned plain mean we WWIII started up in this house. 

I have no idea what happened. All of a sudden that dark cloud turned black and both of our moods went south. And went south quick, I made a comment about him being a dad only when he wants to be….which yes sometimes i do feel is the case because he wont do ANYTHING unless I hound him to do it. Whether it be change a diaper, give a shower, keep the kids entertained so I can get my work done…whatever the case may be……and he just went off. He told me i wasn’t a wife etc etc….well….at that point i felt the situation was escalating way faster than I thought it was going to so I grabbed my car keys, left him with the kids….and went to the craft store to stock up on supplies for my current orders. 

That’s when the texts started. “run away like you always do” “don’t come back” “file divorce papers” etc etc. At this point i was like omg I am not even going home. But i couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my kids home with dad without me. I do their bed times. I know their bed time rituals, etc. So i get home lets say about 7….might’ve been a little before then but it doesn’t matter. He was asleep on the couch with an 8 year old, 5 year old, and 1 year old running around. 

The two older kids had their dinner. He did not feed the youngest. So she was screaming her head off when I came inside because she was hungry. I fed her. Gave her the cold medicine we have for her. And let her run around…..then the screaming started. Yes, in front of the kids. And for that is a huge parenting no-no. I was pushed past my breaking point. I have a huge vice….I drink rockstar energy drinks. 1 in the morning and then usually water all day possibly a soda with lunch. SO he dumped everything out. Water, soda, and rockstar….I went ballistic because i asked him to stop numerous times and he wouldn’t. So i smacked him. I smacked my husband probably 4-5 times begging to just stop and think for a second. 

Then it hit me. I just put hands on my husband. The man I married. The man I loved….The father of my children…..and they saw the entire thing. Who would’ve thought it it could get worse than that….well it did. I locked myself in our bedroom because i needed to calm down. It was calm down or have a rage black out which is what happens to me when i am pushed past my breaking point. He kicked the door down while i was sitting against it. I knew it was going to hurt the next morning….i woke up with bruises all over my legs where the door hit me….and all i thought was “what the fuck happened last night” How did your marriage come to this? How did the man I love turn into a monster? How did I TURN INTO A MONSTER? Are we that unhappy in our marriage that we would actually allow it to escalate to that point? My answer is yes.

I see the unhappiness every day in his eyes whether he wants to admit it or not. I see it. I feel it. I know he sees and feels the same with me. I haven’t been intimate with him in over 2 weeks. His biggest complaint has always been that I dont give him sex enough. Sorry, Im not down for sex every day. I have hormones out of whack from having a baby and having my tubes tied so I feel like I am still trying to get back to the normal of everything. And by the end of the day running my business and taking care of him and all 3 kids the last thing i am thinking about is being touched by another human including my husband. 

I am on the verge of feeling like our marriage is doomed. I feel like once you pass that getting physical in a bad way portion, your marriage is over. But is it worth fighting for? Is it worth saving? Because you never stay for the kids…

But we’ve been down this path before. We were separated. I filed for divorce. I fell in love with someone else…and then one day realized it wasn’t love with that person…..it was the idea of love because the man I married and just filed divorce from was the one man I TRULY loved. 

We have not discussed last weekend at all. Ok maybe a brief text message where all of the blame was put on me….but it is almost as if it was swept under the rug and we’re just supposed to forget about it. What do you do? How do you work it out? How do you move past it? CAN you even most past it? 

Just how?