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Posts tagged ‘adult’

The Dark Cloud…..

You know the one that looms over you whenever anything good in your life is happening…and then BAM there it is….the mother of all “now I’m fuckeds”….Yes I am aware that fuckeds isn’t a worry however it is appropriate for this blog entry. 

Last weekend is when it all started. I really dont want to get into too much detail because it is my personal life, but I feel like if I don’t….then people will of course only see the story as one sided…..and when I blog when it has to do with my parenting skills, personal life, or anything else, I never want anyone see anything as one sided….because maybe just maybe someone out there can relate to the OTHER person and help me understand what if i have done anything wrong…..so please do not ever judge what I write. Because that will just piss me off to a whole other level….and we don’t want that. No we sure don’t.

So last weekend it started. it was a normal Saturday night, I was already feeling a little edgy and I knew my husband was in in agitated mood just by how he was interacting with the kids and I. Well I was cooking dinner for the kids….sometimes they eat earlier than we do…and also I don’t like to share my food….but back on topic of course….

I asked him to change our youngest diaper. Yes, 100% she needed a diaper change but little did i know she had a HUGE surprise in her diaper for daddy….which never and i mean never happens. So of course I’m dying of laughter and he thinks I did it on purpose so he gets even more agitated. At some point he just turned plain mean we WWIII started up in this house. 

I have no idea what happened. All of a sudden that dark cloud turned black and both of our moods went south. And went south quick, I made a comment about him being a dad only when he wants to be….which yes sometimes i do feel is the case because he wont do ANYTHING unless I hound him to do it. Whether it be change a diaper, give a shower, keep the kids entertained so I can get my work done…whatever the case may be……and he just went off. He told me i wasn’t a wife etc etc….well….at that point i felt the situation was escalating way faster than I thought it was going to so I grabbed my car keys, left him with the kids….and went to the craft store to stock up on supplies for my current orders. 

That’s when the texts started. “run away like you always do” “don’t come back” “file divorce papers” etc etc. At this point i was like omg I am not even going home. But i couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my kids home with dad without me. I do their bed times. I know their bed time rituals, etc. So i get home lets say about 7….might’ve been a little before then but it doesn’t matter. He was asleep on the couch with an 8 year old, 5 year old, and 1 year old running around. 

The two older kids had their dinner. He did not feed the youngest. So she was screaming her head off when I came inside because she was hungry. I fed her. Gave her the cold medicine we have for her. And let her run around…..then the screaming started. Yes, in front of the kids. And for that is a huge parenting no-no. I was pushed past my breaking point. I have a huge vice….I drink rockstar energy drinks. 1 in the morning and then usually water all day possibly a soda with lunch. SO he dumped everything out. Water, soda, and rockstar….I went ballistic because i asked him to stop numerous times and he wouldn’t. So i smacked him. I smacked my husband probably 4-5 times begging to just stop and think for a second. 

Then it hit me. I just put hands on my husband. The man I married. The man I loved….The father of my children…..and they saw the entire thing. Who would’ve thought it it could get worse than that….well it did. I locked myself in our bedroom because i needed to calm down. It was calm down or have a rage black out which is what happens to me when i am pushed past my breaking point. He kicked the door down while i was sitting against it. I knew it was going to hurt the next morning….i woke up with bruises all over my legs where the door hit me….and all i thought was “what the fuck happened last night” How did your marriage come to this? How did the man I love turn into a monster? How did I TURN INTO A MONSTER? Are we that unhappy in our marriage that we would actually allow it to escalate to that point? My answer is yes.

I see the unhappiness every day in his eyes whether he wants to admit it or not. I see it. I feel it. I know he sees and feels the same with me. I haven’t been intimate with him in over 2 weeks. His biggest complaint has always been that I dont give him sex enough. Sorry, Im not down for sex every day. I have hormones out of whack from having a baby and having my tubes tied so I feel like I am still trying to get back to the normal of everything. And by the end of the day running my business and taking care of him and all 3 kids the last thing i am thinking about is being touched by another human including my husband. 

I am on the verge of feeling like our marriage is doomed. I feel like once you pass that getting physical in a bad way portion, your marriage is over. But is it worth fighting for? Is it worth saving? Because you never stay for the kids…

But we’ve been down this path before. We were separated. I filed for divorce. I fell in love with someone else…and then one day realized it wasn’t love with that person…..it was the idea of love because the man I married and just filed divorce from was the one man I TRULY loved. 

We have not discussed last weekend at all. Ok maybe a brief text message where all of the blame was put on me….but it is almost as if it was swept under the rug and we’re just supposed to forget about it. What do you do? How do you work it out? How do you move past it? CAN you even most past it? 

Just how?

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The Mother of all mood SWINGS….

Why….just why….does the mother of all mood swings have to happen RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of probably one of the best days you’ve had in let’s say at least 3+ months!?

You know why? Because it’s like God wants to punish me….”oh you’re having a good day? Let me think of one way that I can ruin that…”

Take yesterday for example…..My two oldest boys were set to go to sleepover at a friends house that they haven’t seen in months. They go to different schools and we are friends with the parents so it’s kind of like they are forced friends. But any who…..back on track! They were all excited for the sleepover. The mom and I had planned a drop off time and what was going to happen for dinner because well daddy and I weren’t going be around. He had to go to the city to have dinner for his grandmother’s 85th birthday and I had to go to my mom’s house for birthday dinners for my dad and sister. So easily, we were going to be at least an hour away if the boys were bad or something happened.

Then something did happen. As I am getting my daughter ready to make the treck to my mother’s with me I hear my youngest boy crying…..now I start to get aggravated because I just know I am about to take away a sleepover. And here he comes sauntering into the living room telling me that his brother kicked in in the “twig and berries” as we call it in our house….my blood began to boil. God was grounding me for something but I wasn’t quite sure….maybe it’s because I keep saying that I am going to quit smoking but never do….who knows…..But here I was….devastated that I was now having to take all 3 of my kids in the back of my car over an hour away to my moms house. Fuck. That’s all I could think.

So the entire car ride they hit each other and fought and made their sister cry…..and I seriously contemplated parking my car in an empty parking lot and calling my parents….one to drive me to their house and one to drive the kids….yup….got that bad….I hate the drive to my parents.

But as aggravated as I am I still have a smile on my face. I was still going to have a great day. They were going to get to grandma’s and there was going to be too much going on so they wouldn’t bother me. That’s generally how it goes. But nope, yesterday was just the opposite.

Then the worst thing in my life ever happened. My mom made chicken thighs for dinner. For ANYONE who knows me outside in the real world….they know that dark meat from any animal makes me sick….it is 100% mental. I know that. You know that. But it’s very real. So here I am watching her make this dinner that I am pretty sure I am going to throw up and all of a sudden the dark cloud just LETS LOOSE. I lost my temper more times than I could count. I’m pretty sure I yelled at my mom at one point. And then my kids made me so mad we left in the middle of dessert.

Usually….if my mom cooks a meal, I clean it up no matter how late I am going to be there. It is the least I could do. But seriously dark meat? You can clean that shit up yourself….but the pumpkin pie was amaze….store bought….and better than the home made one I made….

But the mood swing actually carried over to today….which is a SERIOUS and I mean SERIOUS rarity. I’ve been beyond cranky. Tomorrow is Monday….Mondays are awful for me…..I might have to triple the Klonopin…..juuuuust kidding but don’t judge me if you see me sitting on the porch with a beer at 8 am……just smile, wave, and keep walking…..

Parenting Fail….

So as most of you know by now I am a SAHM of three kids. Which can absolutely be the worlds hardest job.

The other night, we kind of had a blow-up….and for anyone that knows us, knows that blow-ups are like little tiffs in our house. Well our oldest son who just turned 8 mid October still has accidents one in awhile in the middle of the night. I’ve done a lot of research and some kids who tend to be heavier sleepers do have accidents during the night because their brain just doesn’t make them realize that they have to go to the bathroom. I’ve talked to his doctor numerous times and they say not to worry until they hit about age 10.

Well my son has now gotten into the habit that he doesnt tell us that he had an accident and he’s hiding the clothes under his bed, in his closet, you name it. Wherever he can hide it…he does. So there are days where i will spend 2+ hours ripping his room apart scrubbing it and wondering why it STILL smells like urine. Can never find it. Ever!

Finally, jesus christ finally…..I did their (my 2 boys) laundry on Sunday and found the urine soaked clothes hiding in the middle of a clean clothes basket. (I suck at putting laundry away). I had to wash the clothes three times in order to get the odor out. I almost just threw them all away and bought new stuff, but shit kids clothes are just too damn expensive to be doing that. So I finally dried them, and sanitized the washer and the dryer because you dont want everything smelling like urine after that.

Well I got to the point where I was washing sheets literally every other day or so for awhile and my husband would want to ground my son. I personally dont believe that you should punish a child for having an accident. I believe you should punish a child for HIDING that accident. But regardless I can admit that I suck at discipline. I make him stay in his room for about an hour or two and then he’s done. Well my husband is convinced that he needs to be in his room every day until the end of time. Which I get because for the love of god I have never in my life seen him that mad. I cant believe we all made it out alive.

So the solution seemed to be buying those stupid overnights for kids 6+ who still have accidents. So I did. And I showed them to him. And then I made him wear one to bed last night. He was HUMILIATED. He cried and sobbed and kept saying that he wasnt a baby. And I mean duh he’s 8 he isnt a baby, but I am sick of not being able to let him go to friends house for sleep overs and I am sick of washing sheets all the time.

He woke up dry this morning thank god. And I told him that every morning he wakes up dry…I will put a quarter in the peepee jar I made….and if he pees….he has to take a quarter OUT and give it to me….and usually I put those in his sister’s piggy bank. She’ll be rich my god. But I hope this works…and if any other moms out there read this and have advice or opinions….for the love of god GIVE THEM TO ME!!!

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I am beautiful…..

That’s right…..no matter what they say!

I am not a size 0. I am not a size 2. It doesn’t really matter what size I am….do you know why? Because having three children gave me the body that I have today. I am at time semi self conscious about how I look in clothes, or naked, or in a bathing suit….but this recent photo shoot that I did…..made me lose all self consciousness. This picture….I am beautiful.

My stomach is not flat…..my breast are not big….my hair is not perfect….but it is a beautiful photo. I am a beautiful person. I am me.

Photo taken by Revealed by Green Photography - words added myself

Photo taken by Revealed by Green Photography – words added myself

For all the women who aren’t a size 0-2 including myself but have always wanted photos like this done….look at this photo. My stomach isn’t flat, I don’t have huge boobs, etc. I am an average mother of 3. But look at the beauty of a woman’s body. I gave birth to 3 children. This one picture in particular made me the proudest of my body I have ever been. DO THE PHOTOS. You have no idea how much self confidence it brings you seeing them. You don’t have to show the whole world. They can private. But don’t let your insecurities hold you back. EMBRACE them! Show them! You are beautiful no matter what body type you are. Thank you Revealed by Green Photography for allowing me this eye opening and beautiful experience. I will be forever grateful.

Trust me….again I cannot say this enough….if YOU ever had a feeling that you wanted to release your inner inhibitions and do a photo shoot like this, I URGE you to do it. Find a photographer you are comfortable with! If you live in the Illinois area….I highly recommend you contact Green Photography and schedule a shoot. IF it makes you comfortable there will be a woman with you helping you pose, helping you hide parts of your body you don’t want seen in a sexy tasteful way. What could it hurt? If anything…..your significant other will be mind blown.

Here is the direct link to Revealed by Green Photography via Facebook….like the page….look at his work….

https://www.facebook.com/revealedbygp

Basic Bitch

What. The. Fuck.

Does this term even mean? No wait….please hold…

Per Urban Dictionary who is clearly a super reliable source: a bum-ass woman who think she the shit but really ain’t

I am SO SICK TO DEATH of hearing the term basic. Teenage girls these days, adult girls these days, just people in general. What happened to our society? We used to sound semi-educated.

Basic…….shit…..I’ll tell you whats basic….nothing because its a ridiculous use of the word. People really need to think about what they say before they say it. It drives me nuts seeing all these postings all over Facebook “oh you’re basic” “she’s a basic bitch” Im 27 years old and had to resort to Urban Dictionary to find out what it meant….whaaaaat?!

I would never in my entire life want my children speaking like this. And if I heard them speaking like this….oh hi whats that for dinner? Palmolive damnit that’s whats for dinner.

Oh but we live in a society where parents no longer give a shit about their children or instead of being parents they would rather be their best friends. Listen….I pushed you out of my hooha…..we are NOT best friends….we are NOT ever going to BE best friends. I am your mother and if I ever hear you talk like that I’ll Palmolive your asses.