No filters, crazy honest, crazy fun

Seeing red….

Most people don’t believe that it’s true that a person can see red. However, today I have come to realize that it is in fact something that you can see when you are truly angry.

I’ve come to notice that I’m not someone who sees read necessarily when they’re angry, but when they’re sad as well. I became a mother at the age of 18 and gave up a lot of things. I gave up nursing school and I gave up the dream of getting a psychology degree. I gave up a lot but my main thing in life is to be the best mother that I could possibly be.

At the age of 21 my husband and I decided that we were going to go ahead and try for a second baby. At the time I was going to school to obtain my Associates in psychology hoping I would be able to go further. Unfortunately that didn’t happen and that’s a dream that I have since let go.

Don’t get me wrong, the best thing I’ve ever done in life is give birth to three children that I have. But at the same time, I noticed that becoming a mother at the age of 18 I lost a lot of things, mainly friendships. I have friends that I thought would be friends until the end of time and in the end completely abandoned me. Now normally this isn’t something that would get to me but there are a few friends that I had even throughout rough times in my life that I thought would be by my side.

My husband and I went there a rough patch and almost went through a divorce, fortunately we were lucky enough to reconcile. In the last three years of our reconciliation I can count three maybe four friends that have stuck by my side and by the side of my husband without judgment of the situation that we went through.

Since becoming a stay-at-home mom I no longer have workplace friends that I communicate with on a regular basis. I have come to understand that Facebook and whatever social media or texting that you use does take two however I am a mother of three kids and I run a business sometimes two businesses and I just don’t have the time to reach out like I wish I did. However something today set me off to the point that I realized I truly do not need these kind of people in my life.

We become friends with people who surround us our kids are the same age we hang out all the time I have noticed that I have become the odd man out just like in every such a situation that I have ever been involved in. Then for some reason whether a person takes a liking to me or not I am the odd man out. My husband on the other hand everybody loves him. They love his personality, they love his being , they love who he is I however am not that person.

I have a very strong and stubborn sense of humor and sometimes I let it get the best of me. I let my opinions take over I let a bad mood take over sometimes I have a black cloud that takes over. Sometimes I just get in a funk that I cannot get out of and a lot of people in this world do not understand things like that. However if they took three seconds out of their day to ask how I was doing they would understand it completely.

Today today that was an example for me. My kids noticed that my neighbors were playing and I decided that I would let them go over there and play no problems. I love my neighbors to death. I consider both of the mom’s best friends of mine I feel like I can come to them and talk to them with no judgment. However over the last few months I have come to realize that I’m no longer included in things. I’m not included in walks, I’m not included in play dates. There’s a lot that I’m not included in and I’m unsure as to why.

It could be the fact that I have two school-age children also the only one that’s home with me all day is my one year-old and it just so happens that she doesn’t nap at the times that they do their walk so their play dates I just wish that they took it upon themselves to ask me if I wanted to go on a walk or have a play date I I understand that she is a year old but sometimes one year-old need interaction but let’s be real here I’m the adult that needs the interaction with other adults.

I have lost countless friends I have come to terms with the fact that I have lost count as friends I don’t really care about the friends that I have lost what I care about is there are times where I feel like I am completely alone and I only have one person in my life that I can turn to two if you decide that you’re going to count my husband but let’s be real husbands don’t really want to hear about female problems or anything like that.

My best friend has listen to me for years and hence never once pass judgment she’s giving me the best advice that she could she’s giving me advice that I’ve taken that I haven’t taken that I probably should have taken but regardless she is always there to listen to never judge to be my shoulder to cry on and she is the only person that I have we’ve been friends for about seven years now and she means the world to me and she is the only person I have that I feel I can count on her and her husband

I do have a friend who I consider a sister that I have been friends with for about 14 years now but I barely talk to her I talk to her maybe on a one week basis sometimes I’ll go months without talking to her and realistically that’s how our friendship has been but again I have come to feel like I am the ad woman out so I am at the point where I am seeing ride and just seating because I am so upset that I’ve realized that I truly am alone I have me my three children and my husband everybody else I get is just a luxury friends are a luxury everything in life is a luxury you only need the people that you have in your circle and I have those people but that does not make it any easier for me to see people have friendships that I wish I could be a part of I’m not the kind of person that is going to insert myself into somebody’s life because I want to be your friend either you want to be my friend because you like me for who I am or you don’t want to be my friend because you don’t like me for who I am but don’t make me feel like I am the odd person out.

To everyone who has stood by my side if you feel that this bike is directly toward you please feel free to reach directly out to me and maybe we can chat those of you who know this blog is about yell it’s not in a negative way whatsoever it’s just me getting my feelings out there I appreciate that everyone has been there for me not a lot of people have passed judgment yet again not a lot of people have known what I’ve gone through in the last eight years of my life so for those of you who have been there the last eight years and who have witnessed my ups and downs and have still stuck by my side you are more appreciated than I could ever tell you or I could ever show you

Advertisements

Comments on: "Seeing red…." (1)

  1. I feel ya. I have no one. We don’t get asked to play dates etc. It is me and the kids all day, every day. I see my best friend maybe once a month now, and our kids play. Other than that, there are no play dates etc.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: